The Background:
In sixth grade I was assigned a project in math class called “One Day…”.
In this assignment we were asked to come up with a life plan. This plan needed to include how big our family would be, what our wedding would look like, where we would live, how much we would spend on a house, what kind of pets we would have, what our job would be etc…I remember being so frustrated at this project because I so badly wanted to do well on it but had such a tough time choosing how to “settle in” to America as an adult. After a week of going back and forth, I came to the realization that I just had to start making up stuff in order to get a good grade haha
If I had been honest with myself and my teacher, I would have turned in a piece of paper with pictures of foreign peoples, crazy beautiful mountainous scenery and a single torn backpack riddled with stories and adventure. Even at the age of 11, I had no desire to ever buy a house, or settle down in America…and every desire to be adventuring around the world with no plan and no expectations. At the time, I didn’t think anything of my lack of desire to really settle down…it was so easy to just jump in and pretend that I wanted those things when I felt I needed to or when I was eager to fit in. This past week however, the Lord gave me a sense of realization that it’s time to be ok with the entirety of who he has made me to be and confront the lies that keep me from living the radical life he wants to bless me with.
So here is my attempt at bringing light into an area of insecurity in hopes that God will meet me where I am at and give me the courage to walk out the rest of my life knowing that I am loved, cherished and worthy of the call he has placed before me as a church planter in South Asia.
The Moment:
While going through the “Beauty For Ashes” Retreat in CGA this past Monday (a program for women that we implement around the world to aid in emotional healing and freedom), we were asked to spend time asking God about our worth.
Normally, things like this are very difficult for me. I never seem to really get a lot from asking him these kinds of questions in an emotionally heavy group setting where everyone around me is crying their eyes out as was playing out in this occasion. I guess mostly because I just get really uncomfortable and tend to focus on why I can never cry in these moments, then get super distracted and never really accomplish what I set out to do in the first place. But for some reason, this time I felt the need to actually ask God about my worth and listen to his response…I could sense he wanted to break some chains off of me and I was so ready for them to be broken off.
As I began, my mind initially flooded with all these insecure thoughts about how my life and desires for my future don’t resemble those of other friends my age who are getting married, having kids and buying houses.
I then thought about all the times I’ve felt inadequate, strange and out of place for not wanting the same things in life that a majority of my friends do. This was accompanied with flashbacks from middle and high school when I first began to realize that I was different for not wanting the “American Dream”. Admittedly, even now, I still don’t feel called to live longterm in America, have an actual wedding, birth children of my own, or live in a big house without a ton of other people living with me…
And unlike middle school Drea, I’ve decided to walk in freedom from these chains and claim these desires as birthrights, strengths and blessings rather than a weakness.
As the enemy was filling me with doubts and questions
“Would my family ever really be able to understand this burning desire to live overseas?”
“What would people think if I still don’t have any kind of stable career and am raising support as a missionary the rest of my life?”
“Who would even want to marry someone that doesn’t want to birth their own kids, have a big wedding or live in the same country as their family?”
I began to realize that even giving these questions the time of day was absolutely ridiculous….they are neither from the Lord nor beneficial for my own growth. I know this because they produce fear in my heart and scripture tells me that God has not given me a spirit of fear but of power, love and of sound mind. (2 Tim 1:7).
Attempting to stand firm on this realization and step away from the anxiety I knew would come as a result of lingering on these thoughts, I dove into conversation with God
“Ok, Lord…so I know that you have made me different than the girls around me and a lot of times this leaves me feeling left out and without worth…but what do you have to say about my worth?”
LET ME TELL YOU…..he totally answered me.
Immediately, he gave me the picture of a single old roman coin.
At first, I was like “seriously, I’m worth ONE freaking coin”
But then he said this…and thankfully, I wrote it down as he said it so I can let you guys in on this convo we had…
“You are like a coin lost in time. The value your environment portrays is not that of which I have given you. Instead, I’ve given you something like a lost art, value that is rare, beautiful and much more valuable to me that what would be understood by those around you. Therefore, don’t waste your time exchanging your value for worldly things because the exchange rate is poor. Come to me and I will give you all you need directly from the father. Your value has never nor will ever be lost on me daughter.”
The Lord speaks to us all in different ways, based on our individual relationships with him so it’s ok if this paragraph means nothing to you. For me, he was saying that he recognizes my frustration with feeling unworthy here on earth. In the moments when I feel weird for not being able to cry, or relate to other girls well, or connect with them on many levels he has never left me. He was the one that gave me a heart for traveling over stability, for taking in street kids instead of having my own, for a small quick wedding and not one that takes forever to plan and a life of loving the lost in another country over staying in my own.
He was reassuring me that these “strange” desires really aren’t that strange…they’re just not the “normal” for the environment i’m in at this time and may not even been seen as valuable by those around me on earth…but that doesn’t mean that my life has any less worth in the kingdom of heaven. In fact, he’s given me these desires for a very specific purpose to accompany the calling he has placed on my life as a church planter, world changer and radical daughter of the most high God. So, im an external processor and this is kind of a raw glimpse at how my brain processes haha but bottom line is that I’m taking steps toward claiming my worthiness as a daughter of Christ and will no longer do Christ the dishonor of pretending i’m forgotten or unloved simply because he’s given me a story to live out that spreads beyond the box I’ve made for myself.
Please learn from this lie i’ve caught myself believing and don’t let other’s expectations steer your life.
Be Radical.
Walk in your Authority.
Know your Identity.
Change the World.
You are worthy.
